I’m converting a cargo van into a camper. Say that to anybody in Colorado, and they’ll tell you their best friend built a van a few years ago. Also, their coworker finished her van last summer. Their dog is very close to pulling the trigger on a minivan. I don’t know if Colorado needs another homebuilt camper van, but I’ve decided that I do.
I still don’t know what exactly I want to do with the van–write out of it? sell it? For now, I’m more compelled by the process of making the van than living in it.
Here’s the kind of van I’m NOT looking for:
- If I were living in an episode of Black Mirror set within Instagram, I’d get a Volkswagen Vanagon. I’d open the Vanagon’s back doors to an awesome sunrise that never ended. After breakfast, I’d head up to the van’s steel roof in my bikini to do some casual yoga. My 30-year-old van would never suffer mechanical problems, and even if it did eventually begin to wheeze, I’d soon find out that a little engine oil on my cheeks actually complimented my features, bringing out my warm undertones. Despite the van’s eight windows, my nose would never burn.
- Say I had finished my engineering degree. Say I had begun making $57,000 right after graduation, as promised by my orientation leader at Penn State University. Say I were less stubborn, and instead of going on to a graduate program in writing, I finished those three semesters of engineering at some point in my 20s. Then I’d for sure get a gently used Ram Promaster, or a high-roof Ford Transit, or, fuck it, a 2018 Mercedes Sprinter Cargo Van with Driver Comfort Package for $43,865.
- If it were 2020 (and, again, I had good money yada yada), I’d get an electric cargo van, which both Ford and Mercedes expect to sell by the end of the decade. That’s because it’s currently 103 degrees outside, and though I understand that you can’t really measure global warming by the amount of sweat caught in the elastic band of my shorts, right now I feel like you can.
- I can’t get behind a cheap, old gas guzzler. The Ford E150 and its brethren get around 11 city miles per gallon.
By process of elimination, I’m looking for a Ford Transit Connect, 2010, 2011, or 2013. The Connect gets 22 city miles and 27 on the highway. It’s much smaller than the vans listed above but still big enough to fit a sleeping person with her essentials. My preferred model years are limited because the Connect lost its nice high roof after 2013. Also, the 2012 model had transmission issues.
I want a really good deal. How good? Here’s how I bought my first car, a 1997 Volvo 850 wagon. I was writing a story about an artist who lived 25 miles away. I biked to her house for an interview. It happened to be raining. When I arrived at her studio, dripping rainwater onto her blueprints, the artist offered me her recently deceased mother’s wool sweater. And then her old car. For free! When the husband came home, he softly said to the artist behind their closed kitchen door, “But we have a 15-year-old daughter! At least ask for $500.” I offered $400. I always barter.
